Why do they treat me well? Why do people treat me badly? How to get rid of people who treat you badly

Today I want to talk about a topic that may seem strange to someone like “Blocking the acceptance of benefits and a good attitude.”

Women, of course, want to be treated well: looked after, cared for, first of all by their loved one or husband, and from society in general.

In my consultations, of course, I hear that I want the woman to be cared for and cherished, to be respected and recognized, given attention and simply happy that SHE is nearby. And often there really is something to be happy about.

But for some reason all this somehow doesn’t happen, they underestimate...

Our psyche is structured in such an interesting way that, with all the desire, the very acceptance of a kind, good, attentive, respectful attitude towards a woman can be blocked.

Why do my husband, loved ones, loved ones, or just people around me treat me badly?

There is nothing surprising when something harmful is not accepted, but not accepting something that is beneficial seems strange...

However, the internal logic is much more subtle.

If it happens that they begin to treat with care, and care, and attentively, and respectfully, and respect and see talents, recognize and see talents and the fact that there is simply a wonderful and wonderful person nearby, then there is such a danger that A woman will understand that her loved ones treat her oh, how badly .

And then this is the unkind attitude of loved ones against such a background will begin to feel especially acute. And the question already arises: what to do with such relationships. And this usually requires large resources, both external and internal, and this smells like big changes.

Therefore it is often easier to block good attitude even from those from whom it is possible, so as not to face your fears, beliefs, feelings of guilt and shame (which are often false in women).

After all, it has long been proven in practice that we initiate and provoke in people certain aspects of their personality, character traits, depending on what we sound like internally.

How did it happen that we do not allow good, real, sincere relationships into our lives?

How can a woman herself unknowingly attract men who treat women poorly?

As a child, we could not go to hell if we were treated badly: if it was rudeness, callousness, rudeness, inattention, coldness, etc. The child is dependent on his elders: father, mother, grandmothers, grandfathers.

And since he is dependent, he is forced to endure the attitude that exists, because his loved ones are the guarantor of his safety, his survival.

And the end result is very strange and destructive associations, for example,

Coldness=Safety

Suppression=Love

Such associations can live inside for decades and are sometimes difficult to catch. Until a woman sees them, gives them space, and realizes the difference between these concepts, things will still be there. A woman will persistently get involved in relationships in which there will be rudeness, coldness, etc. Simply because it symbolizes safety for her.

In fact, there is no smell of safety or love there. This destroys the psyche, and then health. In fact, this is a significant danger. And it is important to understand inside and put everything in its true place.

As a result, the child becomes stuck in a kind of hopelessness: “I cannot reject such an attitude, because I simply will not survive. And if I also realize that this is a bad attitude from the people closest to me, then what can I expect from strangers?”

For a child, this is simply horror and the world turns into a complete nightmare. Therefore, in the child’s psyche, nature created such defense mechanism that “father, mother, grandmother are good in any case”, as a rule, this is also instilled in the environment.

So the child endures this for a long time and gets used to it, it becomes a kind of internal norm, even if there is a riot outside...

Girls are usually, unfortunately, more patient in this sense than boys.

Girls are generally more inclined to perceive that “if something is wrong, then it’s my fault, and therefore I deserve it.” Boys are more inclined to look for reasons in the outside world.

Thus, mistreatment becomes natural to the psyche. There is discomfort inside all the time, but it is no longer realized.

The good news is that we have already grown up.

There is a story about elephants, how they are kept in India.

At first, when he is still a little elephant, a not very strong rope is tied to a small peg so that he can only move a certain distance, then no, no.

Of course, at first the baby elephant tries, tries, tugs, but he can’t break free. He associates this with learned helplessness. He grows up and becomes a big, healthy, strong elephant. But he doesn’t even try anymore, he’s used to the fact that it can’t be any other way and he doesn’t have the strength to change it.

He does not realize that the situation has already changed very much.

Likewise, our psyche sometimes gets stuck in some state: “it’s always been like this, so it’s normal, or I can’t cope with it.”

But you can already get out of these children's pants, get rid of internal restrictions, increase internal resources. For this, there are various techniques and practices to cleanse all fears, resentments, unlived difficult feelings that drag you to the bottom like a stone. Become cleaner, stronger, healthier.

And in the end acceptance of a good attitude appears , it becomes adequate to the inner feeling of oneself. It is no longer scary to accept it and see it in contrast to what important relationships with loved ones are. There is no longer such fear of not being able to cope.

“Yes, it may be shocking while I rebuild relationships with some of those around me, maybe even someone will have to leave the circle, but I can handle it.”

Working with the inner parent helps a lot with this. He is often suppressive, aggressive, critical, but he can gradually turn into supportive. And then, in a difficult situation, something inside you will say instead of “well, I’m in trouble again, well done!”, but “nothing, now we’ll go there, read here, find out there, consult and little by little we’ll figure it out step by step” or “on Let’s take it and do it!” This is how the internal resource manifests itself.

What else could prevent a kind, good, respectful attitude from coming into your life, the fact that you are valued and respected, loved, simply welcome?

The reasons may be different. But your answer to the question will be:

What’s the worst thing that will happen if they start treating me well, if I accept the very attitude that I so desire? What will happen then?

Popular answers I hear are:

Then I will HAVE TO!!! - this means serious work with self-worth.

Then I will completely relax, stop developing, and will not strive for anything, like a jellyfish in the sun. (This is not always the case, often simply instilled from childhood that “you only need to be driven with sticks in order to do something, but you yourself don’t, you’re lazy, stupid!)

I won’t be able to relax at all, because this is unusual for me and I’ll be waiting for a catch - this means working with an inner defender and healthy contact with my

aggression.

I’ll go on a rampage, then SO much will come out of me if they start treating me well that then everyone will definitely turn away. (With such things, either go to see a psychologist or, if you are a believer, turn to God in your faith, he will accept everyone, no matter what cockroaches or cockroaches you are. It is also very good to feel this acceptance from there. )

Another interesting effect occurs in women, they say: “He treats me well, and I start doing THIS - and I’m shocked by myself!” What is coming out of me! I start throwing hysterics, some nagging...

In fact, this is a story about the fact that a woman felt safe, her psyche felt safe and her subconscious mind understood “Oh, finally we can get rid of this horror and unlived emotions that have accumulated inside us and we can trust this person. And he seems to be able to withstand it to some extent.”

So “She throws hysterics at him” is not always about the fact that he is henpecked or something different, and she is hysterical. It’s just that maybe she was 20-30-40 years old, ill, pressed, and had no one to trust. And then it appears good man and he gets it.

That's why accumulated unlived feelings must be sorted into several “baskets” : something for a friend, something with a psychologist, something with a priest, something with elders, something to live by yourself and only part of it to go to the man, otherwise he, poor thing, may not be able to stand it.

Still, it can be a sign of trust.

May you always have inner permission for all the best,

Olga Yurkovskaya specially for Women's magazine LISA.RU

Almost each of us is surrounded by friends and relatives, communication with whom quietly poisons life. This could be a close friend, colleague or even mother. How to stop toxic communication and get out of harmful relationships without unnecessary losses, says psychologist Olga Yurkovskaya.

Why do adults believe that other people must be reasonable, good and kind to them?

After all, this, in general, contradicts reality, life observations, and ordinary biology.

It is natural for biological creatures, which includes humans, to experience aggression towards each other. Nature is interested in the population spreading as widely as possible, and the only way to achieve this is intraspecific aggression.

Many people have basic feelings towards each other - hatred and fear. Two strangers on the same territory are almost 100% guaranteed to begin to experience aggression towards each other. This is if we are talking about biology.

Therefore, it is not unusual that most people will treat you unkindly, to put it mildly. Perhaps with aggression, with hatred, with envy, with irritation, with anxiety, with fear.

In our current society, this attitude has also been aggravated by the special mentality of the endangered species of “Soviet people”. Those same ones who will never directly show aggression in front of someone stronger and more influential, because it’s scary, but who will definitely kick the defenseless or weak.

And hence all these problems with elderly relatives, with co-workers, with people who have gained even the slightest power over you and include the “janitor syndrome”.

For example, I have a sign hanging above my table that says “People are different. The world doesn't have to be comfortable." When I encounter inadequacy, I read these two wise thoughts. And life immediately becomes easier.

Imagine for a moment that it is not a person who acts, but the weather. Let's say something happened that you didn't expect. It started to rain. Will you worry, not sleep at night, mentally reading angry monologues to the rain? Hardly. Most likely, you will simply think about how to make yourself as comfortable as possible. Take an umbrella, maybe call a taxi. Or reschedule the meeting for another day.

This is a reasonable approach. It also works in relation to inadequate people. Yes, there is such a character, and nothing can be done about it. Think about how you can make yourself as comfortable as possible, despite his attempts to achieve the opposite. With this approach, the worries disappear: “Oh, why did he do this to me?” I entered and entered, and you moved on.

You yourself understand that normal educated people cannot communicate like that. And in an amicable way, we need to get rid of inadequate people.

Signs of Toxic People

We all have those “friends” around us who are actually more like enemies. They say nasty things, accuse, manipulate, hinder the achievement of important goals... At the same time, for some reason they are sure that they are telling the so-called “truth”, that they are great.

No, if someone tells the unsolicited truth, then this is a violation of the boundaries of another person. This is direct aggression. This is his attempt to assert himself at your expense.

Look carefully around. Who drains your energy and ruins your mood without giving you gratitude, joy, or a kind word in return? Very often these are in-laws or their own elderly relatives.

For example, a situation: a relative is sick and requires care. You can help by paying for a professional caregiver, but you don't have to personally endure the unbearable temperament and whims.

Or another example: a husband humiliates his wife, trying to prove to her that she is a fool and that she will not have a career.

This means that this husband is an enemy, he treats you badly, he definitely does not love you, but he is happy to assert himself at your expense. From the point of view of human happiness, it is incomprehensible to me why living with an enemy in the same family.

Or a mom who never misses an opportunity to make jokes. We either educate the mother or turn on the “ignore” mode and stop communicating.

We explain to mom that we won’t tolerate this. We clearly indicate the punishment: “If you say nasty things to me, we won’t communicate for a month, Mom. I will give money, but I will not tolerate the way you humiliate me. I have one life, I want to live it happy.” Mothers, after turning on the ignore mode, re-educate very quickly.

And don’t blame yourself unnecessarily. Mom didn’t say nasty things to the boss. This means he can control himself. She should be just as afraid of losing your favor as she was afraid of her manager’s reaction. If she sees your determination, she will behave perfectly. I'm sure - maximum from the third time. And everything will be very simple in your life: if they communicate well with you, they become friends; if they communicate poorly with you, you distance yourself.

How to get rid of people who treat you badly

I advise you not to break off the relationship in one sudden move. This can cause unnecessary “showdowns” for you. It’s enough just to start treating such people as indifferently as possible. Stop broadcasting anything to them. Stone face, complete ignorance and no reciprocity.

Stop calling them yourself. Answer their calls immediately: “Sorry, your phone will run out any minute, quickly say what you wanted.” If they call on business, then in a minute they will have time to say everything that is most necessary, and will not spend half an hour talking about all the sores and other gossip. And if a person has nothing to do, then you just need to turn off the connection - and not let him steal your time.

Many people are burdened by feelings of guilt. But I want to say right away: you are not obliged to communicate with toxic people. You have your own life, your own children, your own dream, your own health. Don't waste these resources on people who treat you poorly.

It is their fault that they have not learned to be pleasant, to be grateful, and have not learned to exchange. It is their own choice - only to vampirize and pull all the resources from those around them.

The most interesting thing is that as soon as you make such a decision in your head, surprisingly, these people themselves begin to disappear from sight.

This happened to many of my friends from childhood and youth. As soon as I appreciated the scale of their envy and stopped thinking about them, they disappeared instantly.

Where can I get new ones?

You know, when a person is busy with his business, his dream, people of his level, like-minded people, are automatically drawn to him. True, it often turns out that even they are not particularly needed.

An adult no longer has that teenage desire to have many friends and waste hundreds of hours of time on them.

He is always faced with a choice - to realize his dream at this moment, spend time with his family, or waste energy on empty chatter, which will not improve anything in life.

I am sure that you need to get rid of those with whom you feel bad. If you have good and devoted friends, with whom you enjoy spending time, you can only be congratulated.

If the person who treats you badly belongs to your immediate circle, then you must make it clear to him that if he does not change his attitude, you will stop communicating. After all, your personal well-being is a priority.

If someone treats us badly, we have three options: respond wisely, be patient and humble, or respond aggressively. Managing your emotions in such stressful situations is not so easy. After all, this activates certain areas of our brain. When we are treated badly, disrespectfully, or threatened, our prefrontal cortex, amygdala, anterior cingulate cortex, and insula immediately become active. These areas are associated with our survival instinct, they are the ones that cause us to react by showing aggression, or, conversely, to run away from “danger”. But such situations should be learned to be managed through emotional intelligence. This way we will rid ourselves of feelings of fear or anger that take over us completely and we can lose control of ourselves.

5 promises you must make to yourself to respond correctly if someone treats you inappropriately.

1. I promise myself to always remember who I am and what I am worth.

When someone treats us badly and goes beyond what is permitted, it greatly harms our self-esteem. Contempt, hurtful words, humiliation, deception.

When we encounter similar situations and similar attitudes toward ourselves, we feel depressed and defeated because it affects what we deeply value: self-esteem and personal integrity.

And if someone tells you that “you're worthless” or “you're worthless,” then the last thing you should do is get angry.

The first and most important thing in this case: do not take other people’s statements to heart. We should respond with dignity and always remember that we are worth a lot. Know your worth.

Other people's words do not define us. For this reason, you need to learn to perceive any aggression directed at you without losing your inner balance and without losing your temper.

2. I promise myself to limit your aggression.

Imagine the following picture: a golden circle floats around you, like a life-saving circle. It allows you to “stay afloat” in any environment and any environment: at home, at work, etc...

This is your support and daily strength that clears your path and paves the way... But one day in life someone appears who comes too close to you.

He carries something sharp over his shoulders (a spear, a needle, it doesn’t matter) and treacherously points it towards your lifebuoy in order to pierce it and release all the air from it.

After this, you notice that you are starting to drown.

Don't let this happen to you. You have every right to prevent this, to defend yourself, to set boundaries, to determine what can and cannot be done.

Don't allow yourself to be harmed.

3. I promise myself to speak confidently.

Firstly, you must always remain calm in any situation. This is the only way you can speak confidently.

Imagine a palace, a white hall with open windows through which light and air enter the room. Go in there and take a deep breath. Nothing others say or do should make you forget who you are and what you are worth.

Once you feel completely calm, start talking. Being confident and even assertive means being able to speak calmly and at the same time firmly, making it clear what you allow and what you do not allow in relation to yourself.

Speak without fear, protect yourself.

4. I make a promise to myself to leave aside anyone who treats me badly.

Someone who treats you badly doesn't deserve your time or your concern. There are people who are real specialists, “professionals” in creating problems for everyone. They try to infect everyone with their bad mood and treat those who least deserve it with contempt.

Very often, those who oppress us are those in our immediate circle: colleagues, relatives, or even our life partner.

But here it is important not to forget one thing important rule: someone who treats you badly, does not respect you, does not empathize, does not share your emotions. But you can’t live in such tension day after day, it’s too destructive and destructive for your personality.

We need to think about this and make the appropriate decision: clearly tell this person that we cannot allow such an attitude towards ourselves and allow him to continue to make us suffer. Let him know that if this continues, we will have to distance ourselves from him and maintain this distance for our own good.

After all, your emotional well-being in this case comes first.

5. Make a promise to yourself to heal the wound and become even stronger.

Most of the suffering in such situations is caused to us by those closest to us: our partner, brother, parents... And sometimes it is not enough to simply establish a distance. Disappointment and resentment remain, and this wound in the soul must be healed.

Give yourself time. You need time for yourself, to make it easier, choose an activity that you like: walk, write, draw, travel, spend time with friends.

Solace can be found in many things. But best way The way to heal our wounds is to surround ourselves with people who truly love us and who deserve our love. And just as there are people who can bring sadness and sadness into our lives, there are those who will allow us to start all over again. Just find them. published

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

Hello... I have this problem: I can’t be in society, among people. This makes me uncomfortable, afraid, and it seems to me that everyone is judging me from the outside. I never had friends or girlfriends. It's the same at school. Everyone avoids communicating with me because I seem boring, taciturn and strange. I contacted a psychologist, but he said it was just adolescence and everything will pass. Nothing happens no matter what I do.
I don't think it's normal what's happening to me. It seems to me that everyone treats me with contempt, they don’t even want to see me. I realize these are just my unreasonable thoughts, but I can't do anything about them.
I feel bad... My self-esteem has fallen through the roof, I have many complexes. I have hobbies, but they do not relate to communicating with people and being in society. All day long I can sit at home and read, or watch movies, or sometimes draw. This instantly relieves me of the stress that I get every day during school, on the street, among people.
Help, what can be done. I can't do this anymore...
Support the site:

Alisa, age: 15 / 02/28/2016

Responses:

Alice, it’s actually very good that you understand that everything happens only in your head, and not around you. This means that you yourself can change all this. Conquer your fears. Search the Internet for articles and literature on this topic. You will also find many useful articles on this site.
Your problems are largely because you don’t accept yourself, you don’t like yourself. Think about what you are like, what your strengths are, good qualities. Try to make a list of them, and then re-read it every day and add something to it. You'll see, it will become easier.
And the people around you are the same as you, they have the same fears, pain, problems, joys. Start slowly communicating with people you like, and you will understand that there is nothing difficult or scary about it. The ability to communicate is like a muscle that gets weaker without exercise. But you can train it, just like any other muscle in your body.
I know you will succeed. I was the same way myself. The main thing is to believe in yourself and that you deserve to be the heroine of the best book! I wish you happiness, good luck, love, goodness!

Maria, age: 27 / 02/28/2016

Alisochka, hello!
There is nothing terrible here, there are simply extroverted people who need communication, and there are introverted people who seem to be “discharged” from communication and look for “recharge” in solitude, thinking, reading, etc. Read about introverts, I’m sure you recognize yourself in their descriptions! Therefore, you need to proceed from the characteristics of your personality, and not adapt to those around you. When you choose a profession, look for one in which you will be more involved in books, art, photography, reports, texts (you need something creative and so that there is no excessive communication).
Since you are comfortable being alone, then spend time alone with yourself. If you really feel that you need friends, but preferably ones who are similar to you, then look for such friends on the Internet or sign up for different clubs (literary club, drawing, etc.), and there you will find friends with similar interests. Or look for some loner at school, some withdrawn and uncommunicative classmate, and try to be the first to offer him friendship. What if he is also looking for a friend, but is afraid to take the first step out of fear?
Good luck, you're smart!

Oksana, age: 28 / 02/28/2016

Hello Alice. To make it easier to get along with people, you need to become more open, friendlier, smile more often, say pleasant little things, compliments, and be able to interest your interlocutor. A good opportunity to try your hand is to go out for a walk with your child, maybe you have a little brother/sister/nephew?! Just go to the playground where mothers work with their children, don’t be afraid if the girls are 4-6 years older than you. Young mothers are tired of worries and monotony, they want to chat, discuss something, and you could become an excellent interlocutor. Another option is to communicate on the Internet. In any case, Alice, with age you will become more confident, more experienced, study, work, the need to visit stores, the market, the clinic, etc. will help you relax. And when a husband and children appear, even more so. Therefore, there is no need to panic. When you go to college or university, try to show yourself a little different - not sad and thoughtful, but active, cheerful, so from the first days you can start a friendship with someone. Good luck to you!

Irina, age: 28 / 02/28/2016

Hello!
What is happening to you simply means that you are a pronounced introvert. Me too. And in general, we are a quarter of the entire population of the Earth. Maybe you are just at such an age that for the first time you began to realize and experience this: you want to get out of the control of your parents and start an independent life, but it turns out to be very difficult. I also remember such a period in my life, only I lived in a village, so I often went for a whole day for a walk in the forest and dreamed about something there. It also seemed that there was nothing in common with old friends, and there was nowhere to get new ones in the village. It was hard being around people, but being in the forest was beautiful and calm.
We are not always understood by those around us (because they are extroverts, and they are the majority). We actually understand each other, but it’s more difficult for us to find each other, because we feel best doing what we love, and not communicating with people. But we are diligent and persistent, we can spend hours doing what we like, so we often achieve great success.
We don’t have many friends (for example, for a long time I thought that I had no friends, but now I would call only two or three people my friends), but our friendship is usually strong, we trust our friends as ourselves and can sit for hours and talk about secrets that no one else will understand.
Wait a few years, and you will see that you will be respected for your erudition and ability to draw, for the fact that you really value true friendship, and do not scatter your attention in all directions.

Pavel, age: 23 / 03/03/2016

You began to ask yourself the question: why are they treating me badly, have everyone turned their backs on me? Let's try to figure this out together. If this happens, it may be worth looking for the reason for this behavior of others in yourself and trying to understand why this happened and draw appropriate conclusions from the current situation.
There can be quite a lot of reasons why people began to treat you badly, and all your friends and acquaintances turned their backs on you. Maybe you have become arrogant or too capricious, demanding or not frank. Or maybe the reason for this attitude towards your person lies in your sloppiness.

Take a closer look at yourself, maybe you have become sloppy and the people around you have become quite unpleasant and not interested in communicating with you and they have turned away from you. First of all, you need to put things in order not only in your head, in your thoughts and actions, but also in your apartment, in your workplace, and so on. There is a high probability that others began to treat you poorly because of your sloppiness. I would like to bring to your attention that it is easier for many to turn away from you than to reprimand you about your sloppiness. Just imagine, your friends come to visit you and are faced with the clutter of your apartment. What impression do they have of you?

In order to create a good impression of yourself, pay attention to the cleanliness of your apartment, your workplace and, ultimately, yourself. If you are a messy person, you will likely be treated poorly by the people around you. So let's start by cleaning your apartment. Unnecessary things, trash, everything that prevents you from living and feeling great should be taken out and thrown into a landfill. Don’t be afraid to live with the times, experiment, change your environment and the things around you more often.

After all, old things often carry a lot of negativity and there is no need to accumulate this rubbish in the apartment, but get rid of it in a timely manner. And our company’s employees will be happy to help you do this. And in a short period of time they will help you put things in order in your apartment - this means removing excess furniture and belongings. You need to live comfortably yourself and try to make it pleasant for others to be around you. Love and respect yourself first of all and you will see how people close and dear to you will begin to appreciate you. Don’t be closed, never despair and try to ask those people who turned their backs on you, why did they do it? Maybe they will sincerely and honestly answer your question and you will easily be able to regain the good attitude of your loved ones and acquaintances. If you know the reason why your acquaintances turned away from you and your friends began to treat you badly, immediately try to solve it. Do not be discouraged and do not try to blame anyone other than yourself for the current situation. There are no unsolvable problems, there is only a lack of desire to solve them. Be a confident person and everything will be fine!!!