“The day before I ate something wrong, and on the first date I vomited, but after that he called me, and I realized that I could safely marry this man.”
“I underwent a very difficult operation and realized that if he did not leave me even after this, he would stay with me forever.
This is very similar to some kind of verification. For trust and reliability. Test of illness.
Todobebe.com
There are a lot of myths, misconceptions and horror stories associated with such a huge topic as men and illness. There are legends about how, at the slightest hint of a cold and a slight runny nose, men fall into a state of being “mortally ill,” go to bed and write a will. But even more unbearable for a man is the suffering of others. For example, when it comes to the issue, the absence of husbands in the delivery room is often justified by the fact that they cannot bear the sight of the suffering of their beloved women. Or when a man leaves almost immediately after the birth of a child, because he cannot stand the round-the-clock screaming and sleepless nights. Because he suddenly realizes that he is not ready.
Not ready? But what about the promise to be together in sorrow and in joy?..
Husbands leave sick wives about six times more often than wives leave sick husbands, and life examples, alas, is a good confirmation of this.
One of my close relatives has been suffering from severe depression for more than twenty years with such accompanying attributes as a disability group and mandatory periodic hospitalization in a psychoneurological dispensary. Among the patients with whom she crossed paths in hospital wards over the course of twenty years, there were practically no women who had not been abandoned by their husbands. And if there were any, it was a marvelous miracle. The whole squad came out to look.
Nobody wants a wife who lies on the couch and cries for days. Nobody needs a wife who needs to cook porridge and spoon-feed. Nobody wants a wife whose medication has completely turned off her interest in sex.
He was not ready.
Moreover, if a woman is caring for her sick husband, this is the norm, that’s how it should be, nothing special, no questions asked. If we're talking about about a man, then this is a feat, this is such a special heroism, an act that no one expected. This is wow, but he could still live, he’s still a young man, he needs a healthy woman who would take care of him. Eh, a man has disappeared.
If a man does leave, then society is tolerant of such situations and, by and large, does not condemn these husbands. Rather, they are pitied and treated with understanding.
And this is not because men are bad and women are good. It just happened historically that a husband is a person who needs care. He needs to be fed, his plates cleared, his shirts ironed and his socks looked for. And in a situation where his wife has taken to bed for a year, he suddenly finds himself completely helpless. That is, when a woman is traditionally in charge of everything in the house, and a man does not know how to fry an egg, does not know where the floor rags are and what time it closes kindergarten, this woman suddenly becomes seriously ill, then where should he run?
Women seem to be “tailored” to care. From caring for newborns to elderly relatives. It seems like women have a special gene responsible for wiping their butts and spoon-feeding, but for a man even removing the cat’s litter box is unnatural. And, as you know, you can’t trample against nature.
There are so many stories when mothers, aunts, sisters came to visit, that is, some relatives, friends - women who could take on help around the house during illness.
Is it really all about this household again, if it goes to waste?..
What will they say about a woman who leaves her seriously ill husband? Let's skip it.
It is traditional for women to be ascribed excessive sacrifice; don’t feed them bread, supposedly let them take on an unbearable burden, carry the cross, save the poor and lost drunks. So a seriously ill husband is just another reason to prove that we are no strangers to suffering. Just think, you're a woman, you'll be patient.
Why doesn't a husband like it when his wife is sick?
I’ll say right away - it depends on the wife or any other sick person. Yes, they do occur additional responsibilities around the house - cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, taking the children to and from kindergarten, but this is a routine.
It’s worse when a patient, especially a woman, especially a wife, begins to be capricious, angry, and take out her dissatisfaction with her condition on everyone around her. On you, on the children. This is the most disgusting thing that can be in a sick person. There is no need to lose dignity and no one will even mentally express displeasure. Yes, it happens. Yes, with everyone. But it’s one thing to help a loved one, another thing to listen to unfair accusations, insults, and reproaches. This is especially unpleasant because you can’t even answer and you have to endure it in silence. And who loves it?
There is a popular saying: A man loves a healthy wife and a rich sister. This is probably already inherent in the male character. But as a rule, they themselves can afford to groan at elevated temperatures and want care. And if a husband cares for his wife, then this manifestation comes only if there is strong love.
So a woman should be sick quietly, so that her husband does not even suspect that she is sick.
Personally, in my opinion, husbands don’t like being sick, because they love themselves more and want them to work. And so cooking, cleaning, not to mention caring will be on the husband for several days, and if there are children, then in general. You know, there is a manual where you can read
But when men get sick, they almost die and the woman gives him an hour of medicine and goes to bed. They don't take the brain out like a child, if something goes wrong. A woman should not be sick, because a sick woman is not needed. If I had seen such an attitude, I would have drawn conclusions and left as a human being. You cannot count on such a person. But everyone gets sick, both men and women, and if you want mutual help, then you need to behave with dignity, understand and help. These are the spouses who swear to be in wealth and poverty, in sickness and in health... True, the wife is often perceived as a servant, but I will not generalize and say that all men are like that. No. Fortunately, there are those who can do everything and the wife’s illness is not a hindrance.
I don't envy your friend's wife. In old age, he will simply hang on to her and will only demand, grumble, and do nothing himself. Here it also depends on the woman how she will behave, but if she has lived to old age, then what will she endure?
In general, when you feel bad, you want attention and care. And this is regardless of gender.
This is actually a problem. Everything in the house somehow stops, although we are busy with household chores without exception. Firstly, complete silence is needed, and secondly, I am in charge of injections and pills. Everyone is on edge because she always dreams of getting better as quickly as possible and begins to over-consume necessary and not so necessary pills, syrups, gels, powders and milk supplements.
This is a difficult time and I am preparing myself for it. Of course, a loved one needs support, comfort and understanding. Without a doubt, I would like the opposite feelings, but during the period of exacerbation of the disease this is a problem. You need to muster your will and survive this. If I’m at work, I call often, from work I always bring some kind of gift (sweets), at home I constantly ask how things are, what hurts and what to bring. Children, who during this period are actively involved in cooking and tidying, help a lot.
This question is more addressed to men. And even more so for those who behave this way.
Indeed, men do not like when their wives are sick, because at this time she cannot fully do housework and look after her hubby. Moreover, it is even worse if the wife rushes to the hospital. For example, when I was in the maternity hospital for several weeks, and then in care for several months, upon returning home I could not find what I needed for a long time. My husband doesn't have the habit of putting things in their place. But he is also understanding when I feel unwell.
I think that those men who simply do not love their wives and view a woman more as a fetch-give-and-take-away person have a negative attitude towards their wife’s illness.
Because a sick wife means leaving your comfort zone. And such an exit is usually more painful for men than for women. If a wife gets sick, and the house hangs on her and there is no way to get over the illness normally, like a white man in bed, then the wife turns in most cases into a monster. Especially if her husband did not appreciate her heroic behavior. If the wife decides that the family can take care of itself, then the husband will just have to leave the comfort zone where it was so good. And this causes him a surge of irritation and a reluctance to return to such an uncomfortable environment.
A man wants to come home, eat delicious food, love his wife and go to sleep. And here it turns out you cook for yourself, clean for yourself, please yourself, and even take care of the sick. Immediately the husband has a thought in his head - why did he get married at all?
For the most part, husbands are consumers. And any consumer wants the purchase, in this case the wife, to work without failures, glitches and other troubles that ruin the thrill of owning the purchase.
I think that everything is different in every family.
I get sick extremely rarely. I don’t bother my husband with requests, entreaties, requests, whims or anything else.
If I feel bad, then I ask you to just let me lie down and not bother me.
But my husband himself will come into the room 5 times in an hour and see how I am and what I am.
The only thing I can ask my husband is to heat up his own dinner.
I didn’t cook it, but rather heated it up. Because no matter how bad I feel (pressure or high t), I will always cook something to eat in any condition.
I’m not talking about going to the pharmacy, because there’s plenty of medicine in the house.
I think it depends on the love, mutual understanding and mutual respect of the spouses. But this is just my, purely personal opinion.
There are two options here: either the man is an egoist or the woman is scandalous and grumpy, running away from a man.
In the first case, if a man has a selfish nature, then, of course, he acts meanly, not caring for his loved one. What kind of attitude does such a man expect from his wife in the future if he left her alone sick?
Secondly, if a woman is scandalous and grumpy, then when she gets sick she can really become unbearable. He will lie there and vilify his husband, and since the man does not want to be like him, he leaves home. Maybe some women even deliberately start a scandal so that their husband leaves the house: firstly, it’s calmer, you can get sick for your own pleasure; secondly, the man doesn’t see her in such an ugly and unstuck state. In this case, the fault lies with the woman
Actually, one day a teacher at school told a class - girls, never feel sorry for illness, that something hurts. Otherwise they won't marry you. You need a healthy wife to give birth to healthy children and do housework.
That is, illnesses automatically make a woman a bad wife who does not fulfill her functions.
It still bothered me then.
In fact, it is still believed that a wife is obliged to serve all the needs of a man and children, to nurse them when they are sick, but she herself has no right to get sick, otherwise who will cook and do the laundry? This also happened more than once before my eyes, and not only when the wife gets sick, the husband gets mad. Or he tries to show that he is worse off and that he is the sickest and requires compassion.
And how many stories there are, when a woman heroically nursed a sick man, and the opposite stories, when a husband abused a sick wife, cheated on her, and brought mistresses before her eyes. Or I was just looking for a replacement.
It is in a patriarchal society that women are not respected and loved. Most men are proud and selfish for sure.
A man is irritable and has his head down when his wife is sick because he's scared.
It’s scary how in childhood, when his mother got sick, he remembers this feeling of anxiety, restlessness and discomfort. He was afraid that he would be left without his mother, without her affection and love...
An adult man, when his wife falls ill, on a subconscious level falls into his childhood fears and experiences, but he does not want them, he pushes them away and gets irritated.
Such irritation, dictated by childhood fears, does not at all mean that he does not love his wife and is ready to betray her and exchange her for a healthy one.
This is precisely what speaks of a sensitive heart, of inner panic, of fear that illness may disrupt the established life.
Many men are ready to immediately give everything so that their wife becomes healthy again and their life does not collapse.
Because in a man’s subconscious this childhood fear of losing a mother who is sick will never cease to exist.
In adult life these feelings are addressed to the wife.
Man is the same animal with a built-in reproductive instinct. In this case, the male chooses a healthy and young female in order to get healthy offspring. This explains why a husband is annoyed by his sick wife. Often they not only get irritated, but even quit. They exchange it for a younger and healthier woman.
For a husband to sympathize with his wife and care for her when she is sick, a different depth of relationship is needed, higher than in most marriages. Such that the spiritual craving for this woman overpowers the instincts inherent in nature. And this is very rare.
Well, as an option, financial dependence can help in this matter. If a man lives at the expense of this woman, then he will have to overcome himself and be attentive.
Yes, because we men are used to being cared for when we are sick, but if our wife starts to get sick, it’s a disaster: cleaning and cooking are not going on at full capacity, we have to be rudely taken in tow and help with women’s affairs, which is why discontent arises!
Inspired by TOP LiveJournal, where there are discussions about whether it is moral to divorce your spouse if he is sick.
I personally think that it all depends on what disease the spouse has.
1. If the spouse’s illness is alcoholism or drug addiction, then there is nothing immoral in the fact that the other spouse leaves him. A person is to blame for alcoholism or drug addiction; it is his conscious choice. And if a person cannot and does not want to undergo treatment, then do not be surprised when he receives a summons to court regarding a divorce.
2. If the disease is venereal, then the other spouse can also file for divorce if the infection was not his fault. Everything is clear here. Cheating is a direct path to divorce and STDs.
3. If the illness is psychiatric, then everything is also ambiguous. Psychiatric illness can turn a spouse into a completely different person. He may be dangerous to others. That is, in some cases, a normal spouse is simply forced to leave the psycho.
4. If the disease is cancer, then leaving the other spouse is immoral. In the early stages, cancer is curable, and the person then continues to lead a normal life, but in the final stages, alas, it is incurable, and the sick spouse has only a few months to live. In such cases, not a single normal person will leave his spouse, but will remain with him until death.
5. If the illness is a severe stroke or other illness, after which a person is paralyzed or partially deprived of some important body functions for self-care (or becomes disabled after an accident), then not everything is so simple here. I know cases where, after a stroke, bedridden patients live for 10, 15 years, and all this time it is necessary for someone to care for them. One story from life: a man, having lived with his first wife for 20 years, divorced, began to live with another, and a few years later he had a stroke. And the second one left. And the first one already has its own life. His children from his first marriage are also not eager to look after him. Who's to blame? Second wife? She is still young, why should she bother with a stroke patient?
6. If the illness is mild or even feigned, and is used to manipulate the other spouse so that he does not leave, then there is also nothing immoral in the other spouse leaving.
A striking example of such a situation in literature: Vasisualiy Lokhankin from “The Golden Calf”:
- In that case, I continue my hunger strike! - the unhappy husband shouted. - I will starve until you return. Day. A week. I will starve for a year!
“You wolf,” Lokhankin continued in the same drawling tone. “I despise you.” You are leaving me for your lover. You are leaving me for Ptiburdukov. Today you, vile one, are leaving me for the insignificant Ptiburdukov. So this is who you are leaving me for! You want to indulge in lust with him. The she-wolf is old and nasty!
In the end, Lokhankin’s wife left for Ptiburdukov. And the point is not in Lokhankin’s imaginary illness, but in the fact that he simply did not respect her as a woman. Not every person will tolerate humiliation from a sick egoist.
7. In the case of an illness that has a great chance of recovery, the spouse will be a traitor if he leaves at such a moment in life. For example, when the second spouse fell ill with a severe form of flu and lay in the hospital with a fever for three weeks, and then recovered.
8. In the case of erectile dysfunction or infertility, the question is ambiguous. Even the church seems to allow such divorces. Here it’s up to everyone to decide according to their conscience.
These are my thoughts. But I admit that other people think differently.
The illness of a loved one can throw people out of balance and out of their usual way of life. Especially if we are talking about a serious illness in which the patient is bedridden. And if a woman is driven by maternal instinct, she has the ability to nurse people from birth, then with a man everything is much more complicated.
Spouse's obligations
Most often, a sick wife is able to take care of herself and continue to fulfill her daily obligations to the family. But this is only in case of mild illness, when it is possible to get up and walk. If the spouse is very ill, feels unwell and is unable to do certain work, then the spouse should do this. Cooking, cleaning and caring for children temporarily falls on the husband's shoulders. But this does not mean that you have to work day and night so that the family does not need anything. For lunch, you can prepare store-bought convenience foods, and a good father himself knows how to properly handle children. But besides this, it is necessary for the woman to create all the conditions for her speedy recovery. It is not so difficult to bring water or boiled broth. When a wife is sick, the husband must become the head of the family and take everything into his own hands.
What to do with a bedridden spouse?
Bedridden illness is the most severe. Not only the patient, but also loved ones suffer from it. Many spouses leave their families, abandoning their dying wives for healthy women. This is unfair, which also indicates a lack of feelings. If a man remains with his sick lover, then he will have to go through a difficult period.
Often a sick woman became complete thanks to the support of her man. This is a scientifically proven fact that explains the inner desire to live for the sake of a loved one.
A man needs to know how to care for his wife to help her get back on her feet faster or live out the remaining weeks in comfort. This will require regular change of bed linen, removal of the vessel with feces and washing of the woman’s body. It's not that easy, but gradually the obligations will become part of your normal lifestyle. Don’t forget about the help of a professional who will monitor the patient’s condition and help her get on the path to recovery. In some cases, the help of a caregiver may be required if the spouse needs to spend most of the day at work. In addition, the nurse knows the rules of patient care, which she can tell the man about.
Caring for a woman with a simple illness
A woman with a simple disease that does not require specialized treatment and does not confine her to bed requires completely different care. The most common of these is influenza. But, despite the fact that the wife is not hopelessly ill, she requires care. In addition to the fact that the husband must transfer all her responsibilities to himself, he must bring his beloved medicine, prepare food and fulfill her requests. This will not last long, only three days and the spouse will return to her duties again. But if you provide her with support at such a difficult moment, the relationship will certainly become better. In addition, many men themselves know how to cure their wife using exclusively love and care.
Caring for a sick wife should not be a punishment for a man. After all, he cares not about a stranger, but about his beloved, to whom he promised to always be there in difficult times. In this case, care will bring true pleasure when, thanks to it, the woman becomes healthy again.
And another story from an anonymous person from an account created today.
To be honest, I can’t even raise my hand to write. It's disgusting to think about that.
I have certain thoughts about my wife, from which I begin to consider myself a soulless monster. Maybe that's how it is. But in order:
I've been married for two years. We had only met for a short time before this. I’m 28, my wife is 27. Everything in marriage is normal, we quarrel, make peace, walk, laugh, live, make plans. But I’m already fed up, just unimaginably fed up with one thing: my wife is constantly sick. She gets some pain every other day. Head, teeth, back, stomach, leg, arm, something else. Those. she's not faking it. She actually has some pain all the time. She has serious back problems - curvature, grade 2 scoliosis. She has a heart disease - it’s not particularly dangerous, but it’s there and no, no, it makes itself felt. Stomach problems - ulcers in five minutes. With liver. I broke my arm once, even before we met. For a very long time, almost the entire time of our life together, she had cysts on her ovaries, which is why she also constantly suffered. There were problems with sex because of this, which is quite natural. Those. It was often painful for a person to do it. In the spring, these cysts were removed, and everything seemed to be more or less normal after healing. At the beginning of summer, she became pregnant, as the doctor recommended (as soon as it heals, have children - I couldn’t think of a better time!!). Miscarriage at 3 weeks. In the summer we went rafting - I got a little hypothermic, again had terrible pain, and went to the hospital. During our acquaintance, she was in the hospital 4 times. Those. Every six months she is in the hospital. In general, it’s not diarrhea, it’s a cramp. Not a cramp, but something else.
I understand in my head that the person is not to blame, that she is not pretending. That this is indeed how the circumstances turned out. In childhood, a back injury results in scoliosis and headaches. In my youth, out of stupidity, I became very hypothermic - so you have frequent meetings with the gynecologist. And so on. But I'm sick of it. I understand that this sounds creepy, it just sounds disgusting - but I have the feeling that I came across some kind of defective copy. It infuriates me that I have known her for two years, but I am up to my ears in her problems. The last time I was in the hospital was ten years ago, and then only for an examination from the military registration and enlistment office. I get sick extremely rarely. In general, I hardly met doctors until I met my wife. Health has always been something I take for granted. And here I live with a man who is constantly sick. I have already human body I studied it up and down. I know how most organs work. The people at the pharmacy were the first to greet me - they would recognize me.
And in this regard, a kind of internal conflict arises in me:
1) On the one hand, morality and ethics: this is my relative, my closest person, the person who loves me, the person whom I promised to love in sickness and in health. And I love her, it seems to me. It’s completely disgusting on my part not to even do something, but just think that she’s somehow not like that. I must love and accept her for who she is with all her pains. Or not?:
2) But on the other hand, I am constantly, especially after my next stay in the hospital with my wife, gnawed by a worm. Like, it would be possible to find a better couple (I am quite prominent, I have always been spoiled by female attention, I earn good money, I’m not a fool), it would be possible to find a healthy woman without these constant problems that affect all areas of our lives. There is no normal sex for months, no children, and there is a high probability that the next pregnancy (God forbid, of course) will be problematic. Yes, we can continue for a long time. I'm just tired of all this.
By the way, this conflict is only in my head. In fact, I am an exemplary husband. I sit in her hospital day and night, when necessary, I want to get pills, I look after her when something hurts again. Her friends envy her, saying, what a caring companion you have.
And I love her. Of course, you will say that if you loved her, you would not think so, but still I insist - I love her.
What to do? Although, I understand, the question is stupid. I have to answer it myself. And a normal psychologist will never give me advice - do, Pasha, this and that.
I would like to hear even more of an assessment of my internal ordeals. As I understand it, there are a lot of psychologists here. You probably hear different things from people. In general, do many people have this going on in their heads? Am I a complete moral freak or is there still hope to find human face? Why do I want to hear an assessment, because I need to solve this dilemma for myself: if I think sensibly and I’m not a freak, but the instinct of self-preservation and procreation speaks in me, i.e. common sense, sober calculation, then I will think about breaking up the relationship before it’s too late. While we are young, we can create new couples without any problems.
Or, the second option, I’m a bastard and I need to do something with myself. Change. Maybe they’ll give me a good whack on the head and straighten my brains out. You know, it happens that a person gets carried away, but he is put in his place in time and he seems to behave normally later and even understands how wrong he was. Maybe I need the same “therapy”? Maybe I still think like a complete bastard, and I need to open my eyes to this? Is it normal to run away from a sick spouse when you are as healthy as an ox and in the prime of your life, or is this the lot of cowardly wimps?